gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
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Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.