[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
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Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz