I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
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never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”