[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
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Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*