I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
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When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?