In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
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For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.