Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
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Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Stop.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts