What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
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realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.