TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
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FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam