Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
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ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
I need to get some bricks…
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.