If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
You Might Also Like
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”