Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
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for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
our love story in four pictures
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
The prophecy is fulfilled
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.