I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
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Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.