my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
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It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”