Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
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If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
new year update: losing everything but weight
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back