[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
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I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
m’lady
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
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“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
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Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
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Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
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How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position