*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
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Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
RT if you could go either way.
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[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.