Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
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Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
this has done me in for some reason
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Solving a traffic jam