I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
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Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
thanksgiving in nutshell
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Breaking news:
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.