[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
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[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
And now we wait
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
lmaaaaaooooooooo
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
December birthdays be like…
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.