Maybe jesus needs me in his life
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GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
I thought this was funny lol
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.