SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
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welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.