You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
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I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
✌️
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”