10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
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I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.