Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
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Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.