I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
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But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?