[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
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Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
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“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.