agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
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A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?