My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
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I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”