4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
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interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno