My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
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My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
dream blunt rotation
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
best first i’ve ever seen
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.