Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
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I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob