I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
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Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.