me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
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My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband鈥檚 closet:
Yes my dude
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
It sucks when you鈥檙e stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what鈥檚 going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you鈥檙e put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you鈥檙e living in this house you鈥檒l crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
I鈥檓 a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don鈥檛
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Enforcer: Kids don鈥檛 get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
here鈥檚 the problem with fruit: it鈥檚 inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what鈥檚 the same every time? doritos
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Sorry can鈥檛. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I鈥檝e abandoned all hope.