I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
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Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.