me when i see my girls butt
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Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
But is it really??
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Seems a bit forward
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc