me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
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His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
“our sushi is very fresh”
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
A little too much information.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
sounds kinky. i’m in.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun