Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
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Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.