Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
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I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve