[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
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HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me