Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
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#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
SCARY COSTUME
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.