this is the greatest thing ever
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“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.