At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
You Might Also Like
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows