They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
You Might Also Like
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.