One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
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I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok