[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
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Are these grass-fed oranges?
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch