TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
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The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Never ghost your hitman.
Birds & Planes.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.