i really liked this one
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The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Perfect
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”