[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
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BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Time for evil
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas