Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
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Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake